Jumbo flying squid

Apparently thousands of jumbo flying squid, described in various reports as 5-foot-long sea monsters with razor-sharp beaks and toothy tentacles that can weigh as much as 100 pounds, have invaded shallow waters off San Diego and are raising seven kinds of heck with scuba divers.
Not only that, but they’re scaring the beejeezus out of the tourists lounging about because the squid have the audacity to kick the bucket too close to the surface of the ocean and their dead carcasses wash up on the beach.
See where I come from in the Midwest, this is not a problem. I don’t ever recall a dead squid washing up on the edge of a cornfield. In fact, I did not know until I moved out here nearly 10 years ago that squid was called calamari and that people out here on the East Coast actually eat the ugly, nasty things.
Imagine if you will, Grog the Caveman, fishing one day a bazillion years ago, when something washes up on the beach and brushes against his foot. The thing is five feet long, weighs 100 pounds, has all kinds of tentacles, is ugly – no, make that fugly – big eyeballs and moos like a cow. (Editor’s note: I do not know for a fact that a squid moos like a cow, but I will never know for sure because I will never get close enough to a squid to find out. I will, however, listen closely to the next plate of calamari that passes my way and report back on anything that I hear.)
But back to Grog. Do you think he took one look at this nastiness and said to himself, “Gee, this thing looks like it might taste pretty good? Maybe I should fry it up?”
No, no, no. Grog said, “This thing looks like a big slimy pile of hooey. I am going to kick it back into the drink from whence it came.”
So the San Diego squid apparently came up from the depths of the ocean in swarms and started picking fights with the scuba divers. The squid did things like grab the masks of the divers with their tentacles, and latch on to divers’ air tanks and camera gear.
Scientists aren’t sure why the squid - which generally live in deep, tropical waters off Mexico and Central America – are having a big lodge meeting off the coast of Southern California. Maybe the squid are Beach Boys fans.
The aquatic creatures, called Humboldt squid, have been known to attack humans. They are nicknamed “Red Devils” because they have a rust color and are said to be meaner than a rattlesnake. Divers who frequent their neighborhood sometimes get into a metal cage or wear chain mail to avoid being lashed by tentacles.
Here is a note to you scuba divers out there: If a big old squid nicknamed Red Devil taps you on the shoulder with one tentacle and proceeds to grab your air supply with another tentacle . . . get . . . out . . . of . . . the . . . dad gummed . . . ocean! The squid is likely telling you that’s it’s time to find a new hobby, like snow skiing. It seems to be a pretty safe bet that there are fewer jumbo flying squid sightings near ski slopes than there are on the beaches of Southern California.
And please, let’s not eat any more squid. Throw them back, even if they know all the words to “Help Me Rhonda.”