'No Ma'am, You're Not Old'

I judge the level of a party by the host’s willingness to offer cocktail weenies at the hors d’oeuvres table. Using that as a measuring stick, Dan May really knows how to throw a shindig.
May, the Philadelphia singer-songwriter extraordinaire, had a CD release party last weekend at Plays and Players Theater in the city to promote his fourth CD, “Dying Breed.” It’s yet another brilliant piece of work by Dan and his band mates, who performed several cuts from the album at a show prior to everybody bellying up to the buffet table at the after party.



There are a lot of things to like about Dan — the songwriting, the singing, the sense of humor. Lead guitarist and vocalist Tom Hampton seems to be cut from the same cloth, and it shows in the music.
As we were about to take our leave from the party Saturday night, Tom was engaged in a conversation with two other people, and the three of them happened to be blocking the path to our exit. The Blonde Accountant said, “Excuse me” as she made her way past the trio, and Tom countered with, “Sure, ma’am.”
A seemingly innocent enough exchange. But as soon as we were out of earshot, she turned to me and said, “I’m not old enough to be called ma’am. How old does Tom think I am? He’s probably the same age as me.”
The reality of it is that I am old and The Blonde Accountant is eight years my junior, which I believe makes it alright for Tom to call me “ma’am” the next time he sees me. I would (29) never think of (29) revealing my wife’s age (29) in print and (29) if I did, I would (29) make sure (29) to emphasize that it (29) doesn’t change (29) from year to year.
The next day, I went to Dan’s Facebook page and posted the following comment about the party: “I, for one, certainly appreciated that cocktail weenies were included in the after party buffet table. But thanks to Tom Hampton calling my wife ‘ma’am’ I had to hear all . . . the . . . way . . . home that she wasn’t old.”
Dan’s response: “Tom is a southern gentleman, he calls women ‘ma’am.’ Tell The Blonde Accountant she’s still got it going on. In fact, people at the party that saw the two of you together were commenting on how Mike Morsch was robbing the cradle.”
Dan is a playful purveyor of hooey, so that’s pretty funny, considering that nobody at that party besides Dan knew who I was.
Once again, Tom wasn’t too far behind with his comment: “Mike, if it makes you feel better, I also call Dan ‘ma’am’ more often than not.”
The Blonde Accountant was having none of what they were peddling. I suggested to Dan and Tom that they only way they could get back into her good graces would be to write her a song. We shall see where that leads, although Dan has already admitted to having trouble rhyming “accountant.”
I would suggest a working title of “No Ma’am, You’re Not Old.”